Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Honestly autocorrect...I'm getting a bit tired of your shirt.

   Dance like no ones watching. Sing like no ones listening. Live everyday like Maury told you its not your baby.

   I bet crocodiles are pissed off that "crocs" no longer stands for "gigantic vicious reptiles," but now means "gay shoe."

   Does anyone know where I can return 10 Lords a Leaping without a gift receipt?

   Every rapper out there thinks they are the next Tupac. But they seem to want to bypass the part where Tupac was the hype man on the Humpty dance.

   Facebook does NOT need a dislike button. It's just gonna start more drama.

   Ok it's been almost 30 years, And for the life of me....I still can't understand what Dan Akroyd was doing in the "We are the world" video.

   My feelings are hurt that it took you two months to figure out that I blocked you. B!TCH!

   Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.

   They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

   98% of Facebook is women telling each other how great they look.

   I spent most of the weekend interacting with real friends instead of being on Facebook. It was a horrible decision.

   wonders why Monopoly never gave us any explanation as to why we had to "Go to Jail. Go directly to Jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200". Seriously, what the hell was that about?

   Not all relationships are meant to last the distance. Some are just practice for the one that does.

   Facebook really needs a "pee on someone's wall" option.

   I wonder what quality the wife of the inventor of Vagisil possessed that made him want to create such a thing

   Well, I see no one turned up for first day of ninja school… or did they?

   I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

   I'll have a cheeseburger, minus the burger, cheese, bread, and add tequila

   thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk... just like in cartoons.