Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ok it's been almost 30 years, And for the life of me....I still can't understand what Dan Akroyd was doing in the "We are the world" video.

   My feelings are hurt that it took you two months to figure out that I blocked you. B!TCH!

   Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.

   They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

   98% of Facebook is women telling each other how great they look.

   I spent most of the weekend interacting with real friends instead of being on Facebook. It was a horrible decision.

   Facebook does NOT need a dislike button. It's just gonna start more drama.

   wonders why Monopoly never gave us any explanation as to why we had to "Go to Jail. Go directly to Jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200". Seriously, what the hell was that about?

   Not all relationships are meant to last the distance. Some are just practice for the one that does.

   Facebook really needs a "pee on someone's wall" option.

   I wonder what quality the wife of the inventor of Vagisil possessed that made him want to create such a thing

   Well, I see no one turned up for first day of ninja school… or did they?

   I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

   I'll have a cheeseburger, minus the burger, cheese, bread, and add tequila

   thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk... just like in cartoons.

   Remember a couple years ago when everybody thought Tom Cruise was losing his marbles? Looks like Charlie Sheen has set the new standard for celiberty craziness .Better tell Oprah to hide the couch.

   Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It's IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top

   If your girlfriend spend most of her free time watching "Law and Order" "CSI" "The First 48" "Dexter" and "Snapped"...Do yourself a big favor and go buy her flowers...

   Abercrombie and Fitch telling the Jersey Shore Cast that wearing their brand makes the brand look scuzzy is a lot like Lindsay Lohan telling Paris Hilton that her partying antics make talentless famous starlets look like trash.

   If anyone wants to donate money for Hurricane Irene, make check out to me, so I can assist beachfront bars in recovering from their loss of income. Cash is also accepted.