Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people... But others have no imagination whatsoever.

   Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

   Look for my new game show on the Food Network, where contestants try to figure out what I’ve spilled on my shirt.

   My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.

   My life is an open book. But it's very poorly written and I die in the end.

   One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

   My 401k is whatever’s left on this Starbucks gift card.

   Everyone talks about global warming, but what about global humidity?

   This Friday, Finding Dory will be release in theaters as well as Season 4 of Orange is the new Black on Netflix. One is about the adventures of a lost soul in a sea of fish searching for love. The other is made by Pixar.

   The sale of Time Warner Cable to Comcast will be completed between 8am and 1pm depending on if the CEO is late at another appointment

   Only 20 Java updates since yesterday??

   No job is too big for me to ignore.

   My Dad sends his love because he thinks I know you all personally.

   one good thing about snow is it covers up the dog poo so your lawn look as good as your neighbors

   i guess the "forever lazy" suit is appropriately named since it looks like you were too lazy to care youre in public in your pajamas

   Arousal is a miracle… Don't try to hide it. It's an unsolicited endorsement, a standing ovation, a spontaneous demonstration. ~Playboy

   The only time I wear a suit is for sad occasions, like weddings and funerals.

   My boss doesn't realize that I'm cleverly disguised as an adult.

   the Victorian Government has released a damage report statement concerning yesterdays 5.3 earthquake, that have stated that the damage bill could run into millions of dollars worth of improvments!

   you showed up in my toxicology report