Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   been so busy lately that even Facebook feels neglected

   I'd like to give you a going-away present. .but you have to do your part

   Don't be fooled; foil has a tendencey to glitter more than gold..

   I wish all of you worked with me. We'd have so much fun til we all got fired.

   M L B suspended A-Rod, proving that cheaters never prosper. They just get $350M and a World Series ring while boning models.

   What doesn't kill me, is of no interest to my ex wife.

   People who say I'm detached from reality make me want to fix my ship and return to my home planet.

   I get nervous after taking time off work that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.

   Being married for 20 years,,, our Valentine's gift to each other is usually staying awake past 8:30

   I guess some people are the salt of the earth and others are the wounds.

   Sometimes when you’re about to say you’re against abortion you hear a Justin Bieber song and you hold that thought.

   I don't procrastinate. I just like to have a lot to look forward to.

   Well, today I found out that they don't like you to wear roller skates in the mall! Or maybe they were mad cuz I didn't have pants on.....not sure which one.

   a new Pope is all well and good, but what the Cardinals really need is an offensive line.

   imagine how hard life would be if we weren't water proof

   Being a d*ck, isn't going to make yours bigger.

   Don't hate me because I think I'm beautiful.

   You know it's getting warmer out when the sales for women's razors goes up 200%.

   At the start of a relationship her snoring is gentle music. 5 years later you loom over her with a pillow and a distant look in your eye.

   Well, If this was 1999, would you have ever thought 13 years from now you could sit on the toilet while updating your facebook status about the End of the world again??? I wonder what will be doing 13yrs in the future from now.......