Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who say I'm detached from reality make me want to fix my ship and return to my home planet.

   I get nervous after taking time off work that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.

   Being married for 20 years,,, our Valentine's gift to each other is usually staying awake past 8:30

   I guess some people are the salt of the earth and others are the wounds.

   Sometimes when you’re about to say you’re against abortion you hear a Justin Bieber song and you hold that thought.

   I don't procrastinate. I just like to have a lot to look forward to.

   Well, today I found out that they don't like you to wear roller skates in the mall! Or maybe they were mad cuz I didn't have pants on.....not sure which one.

   a new Pope is all well and good, but what the Cardinals really need is an offensive line.

   imagine how hard life would be if we weren't water proof

   Being a d*ck, isn't going to make yours bigger.

   Don't hate me because I think I'm beautiful.

   You know it's getting warmer out when the sales for women's razors goes up 200%.

   At the start of a relationship her snoring is gentle music. 5 years later you loom over her with a pillow and a distant look in your eye.

   Well, If this was 1999, would you have ever thought 13 years from now you could sit on the toilet while updating your facebook status about the End of the world again??? I wonder what will be doing 13yrs in the future from now.......

   Tell me everything, so I can secretly judge you. - most people

   it "for f*cks sake" or "for f*ck sake"? It's for work, so I want to make sure this e-mail is professional...

   Some family is never more than just blood.

   If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell haven't had enough vodka. Here is another glass.

   Given my propensity to only check our mailbox about once a month,,, I'm guessing, my mail man also doubles as the Tetris champion of the universe.

   Saying you'll wake up early in the morning to get something done, then in the morning convincing yourself it's not important.