Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I want to start today with a nutritious bowl of oatmeal,,, Cause it'll prepare me for all of the other disappointments the day will provide.

   Destroying all of this evidence would go a lot faster if I could shoot lasers from my eyes!

   I assume a pretend apple a day keeps the honorary doctorate types away.

   my android battery last longer than kim kardashians marriage

   Sometimes, when you're having a sh!tty day and you're really stressed out, all it takes is something small, like stubbing your toe, having your printer malfunction, or losing your scissors, to make you break down in tears and lose all hope.

   tough crowd..well thats all for today, drive safe, I'll be here all week

   I delete enough status updates to know that I should never get a tattoo...

   the only way you know who your real friends are is when you change your birthday on facebook and see who write "happy birthday!" on your wall

   Does this mean diaper prices are going down...?

   Osama Bin Laden just found out that his 70 virgins are gay men...too late! Up yours, Osama!!!

   wise beyond my beers.

   If the world is going to end May 21st it could at least end at 7AM not 6PM so I dont have to go to work.

   I don't watch the 10 hr pregame show. My guess it gets to point where they analyze what flavor Gatorade each team will be serving and why.

   Someone needs to tell my apt building that tapping the handle on a shower nozzle shouldn't change the temperature by thousands of degrees at once

   been so busy lately that even Facebook feels neglected

   I'd like to give you a going-away present. .but you have to do your part

   Don't be fooled; foil has a tendencey to glitter more than gold..

   I wish all of you worked with me. We'd have so much fun til we all got fired.

   M L B suspended A-Rod, proving that cheaters never prosper. They just get $350M and a World Series ring while boning models.

   What doesn't kill me, is of no interest to my ex wife.