Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Heading to the polls to vote for the fifth time this week!!!!...... God I love living in the state of Florida!!!!

   GIRL LOGIC: maybe if I wear this shirt that shows my boobs i'll meet a nice guy who wants me For my personality

   I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.

   I hate it when people say 'You don't need alcohol to have fun.' You don't need shoes to walk on gravel, but they help.

   So...if Wal Mart can sell a TV for $100 the day after Thanksgiving when they're paying 500 employees to work, why can't they sell it for $90 today when there's only 8 employees in the whole store??

   I hate how the iPhone auto-corrects "f**k that" to "yes, dear".

   Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA for "here's a pine tree and some nails."

   My biggest fear this Sunday is to open my front door and see a kid who I don't know wish me a happy fathers day.

   MOM: “Why is there a condom in your purse?!” DAUGHTER: “I dunno. Would you be happier if you found a baby in my purse instead?”

   Every New Year we make a resolution to change ourselves… maybe this year try making a resolution to be yourself!

   A girl can post a pic on fb where she looks like the south end of a north bound mule, and there will be some guy who'll post, "You're beautiful!"

   Remember when you ordered from Columbia House... the first 5 times?

   I wonder how much they pay Stephen Hawking to make those severe weather announcements on the radio?

   The Grateful Dead are putting out an 80-disc live performance box set. No word yet on which Grateful Dead song it will be....

   My Dad asked me what I wanted for Xmas tonight. I told him a gift certificate from Adam and Eve so I could get that swing set. He said he thought the kids were a bit old for it but he said he would look it up online. Boy is he in for a surprise.....

   Believes that every great idea begins with "Hold my beer and watch this"

   This is a lousy dating site.

   Menstruation Day 1. Don't touch me Day 2. Hug me Day 3. Don't talk to me Day 4. Why don't you speak to me? Day 5. You never understand me

   My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

   I got a letter from the college I graduated from... I hope it's a refund check for my murdered dreams.