Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.

   How much for the soul mate? Sir, that's a bottle of Vodka.

   For every time a woman replies "fine" to you, you lose a day off your life.

   Cop: sir, have you been drinking? Me: define sir

   Be careful who you bend over backwards for. Some people will just kick you in the nuts.

   Do not mess with bears. You'll be their victim. Yogi Bear wears clothes. Where did he get his clothes?,,, That's right - a victim

   The Brown Bear is similar to the Black Bear in most respects, however the Black Bear has a slightly more intricate handshake.

   I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.

   So Wesleyan University in Connecticut thinks it can cut down on campus rapes by requiring fraternities to admit women. Uh, excuse me but isn't the best way to prevent campus rapes to keep women OUT of fraternity houses?

   There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.

   if I had a choice between ending world hunger and seeing a mountain lion play a guitar solo, everyone would eat but i'd regret it forever

   I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck.

   Dear automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm... but I wasnt finished....

   If you are having a bad day, just remember that someone from your home town is still trying to become a rapper.

   You're only young once but you can be immature forever!

   Strangers thousands of miles away sharing their emotions and making you smile at times ... Perhaps technology has not failed us after all.

   Do athletic people not know about Netflix?

   Farts are like children. I'm proud of mine and disgusted by yours.

   Relationship or hallucination? I don't care. Either way, I'm seeing somebody.

   A word to the wise. A paragraph to the smart. A long-form essay to the oblivious. A silent, meaningful gesture to the enlightened.