Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when people CLEARLY see am sleeping then they wake me up and ask if am sleeping.

   Rated R for disturbing violent content, language and some nudity

   Soul mate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

   There's a motion detector in my bedroom. It never goes off.

   Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

   You're not the only one who's empty inside, coffee mug.

   I think Old Man Winter & Mother Nature need to have a few drinks and make a little Spring.

   We can't help but to start liking the girls that become our good friends. Too hard to find girls that just like to have fun these days.

   This is stupid. It's been 3 days with this. I'm going elsewhere.

   Want to feel old? The players in this year's Puppy Bowl haven't even been born yet.

   A recent scientific study, has revealed a bunch of crap I don't understand.

   I am really glad the shutdown is over. I'll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.

   If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?

   Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Post like your life is marginally more interesting than it is in actuality.

   Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.

   How much for the soul mate? Sir, that's a bottle of Vodka.

   For every time a woman replies "fine" to you, you lose a day off your life.

   Cop: sir, have you been drinking? Me: define sir

   Be careful who you bend over backwards for. Some people will just kick you in the nuts.

   Do not mess with bears. You'll be their victim. Yogi Bear wears clothes. Where did he get his clothes?,,, That's right - a victim