Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   beer may not be the answer but it helps you forget the question

   You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

   ..to me, a Super Bowl is one that's full of snacks that I don't have to share.

   thinks if Senator Jim Bunning wants to make a point to US, reduce the pensions, Soc.Sec. and lifelong health benefits for politicians!!

   would like the PETA people not to have a cow because some people like to eat a good steak.

   my shoes are muddy, my knees are scraped and I lost my hat...but it was the best time i've ever had

   I hate it when people CLEARLY see am sleeping then they wake me up and ask if am sleeping.

   Rated R for disturbing violent content, language and some nudity

   Soul mate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

   There's a motion detector in my bedroom. It never goes off.

   Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

   You're not the only one who's empty inside, coffee mug.

   I think Old Man Winter & Mother Nature need to have a few drinks and make a little Spring.

   We can't help but to start liking the girls that become our good friends. Too hard to find girls that just like to have fun these days.

   This is stupid. It's been 3 days with this. I'm going elsewhere.

   Want to feel old? The players in this year's Puppy Bowl haven't even been born yet.

   A recent scientific study, has revealed a bunch of crap I don't understand.

   I am really glad the shutdown is over. I'll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.

   If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?

   Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Post like your life is marginally more interesting than it is in actuality.