Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Send message without subject? Yes, Gmail. f$ck off.

   High-definition ruined porn for me. I like my p0rn blurry so I can't see butt acne and herp scars.

   I'm putting a goal line around my house to keep Ryan Leaf from getting in.

   I was just at my neighbors house for dinner but I had to leave unexpectedly,,,,,,, they came home.

   There are always two ways to look at things. I prefer to look at them my way.

   Streaking is all fun and games... until the fat one wants to do it.

   I can't think of one nice thing to say about you....a million maybe, but not just one.

   I'm not a bank but I can tell you that I have 0% interest in what you're saying right now.

   Just saw a guy rollerblading while I was driving. Who rollerblades anymore?! Not that guy because I just hit him with my truck. Allegedly.

   I'm hungry .......I really need to hire a wife.

   My daily workout?........ running late for work

   It's not you, it's me. I just don't like myself when I'm around you.

   So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.

   You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven't f*cked off or died yet.

   Scatter seeds of kindness and peace will grow, you stupid idiot.

   I think we all need to get on the same page. I'm on page 69.

   I'm not sure I want Friends with Benefits. Can I just have the Benefits? We'll figure out the Friend thing later.

   Be yourself. Who else is better qualified.

   Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

   My 20 year high school reunion is in a few months. I need help with making up some amazing crap that I've done.