Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not you, it's me. I just don't like myself when I'm around you.

   So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.

   You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven't f*cked off or died yet.

   Scatter seeds of kindness and peace will grow, you stupid idiot.

   I think we all need to get on the same page. I'm on page 69.

   Leaf blowing while wearing leaf-pattern camouflage. Makes them think I'm one of them, so they won't get suspicious!

   ‎30 Days more......to plan another New Year's resolutions or a new start on old habits!!

   Library of Congress to receive entire twitter archive. Now your great great grandchildren can read about how much you pooped.

   In my own little world, I'm kind of a BIG deal!!

   Nothing that Facebook changes will ever keep me from stalking you.

   I'm not sure I want Friends with Benefits. Can I just have the Benefits? We'll figure out the Friend thing later.

   Be yourself. Who else is better qualified.

   Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

   My 20 year high school reunion is in a few months. I need help with making up some amazing crap that I've done.

   looking for some good end-of-the-world bargains today and tomorrow

   Society needs both optimists and pessimists. For example, an optimist invented the airplane while a pessimist invented the parachute

   Had breakfast at Waffle House, as I was leaving the waitress said "Have a waffly day". Now I'm thinking great, a whole day of indecision.

   I speak 3 languages ENGLISH, SARCASM, & SEXUAL INNUENDOS

   Ignorance is bliss, would explain why I'm so miserable.

   Ever since watching Extreme Couponing I hate grocery shopping even more!!!!