Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Due to the scare of Dec 21, 2012, my "Baby Boom" Prediction should be coming up right on schedule this month and in September.

   Children are often spoiled because no one will spank Grandma.

   in Ben Affleck's version of Batman. Bruce Wayne's parents kill themselves

   Lets be honest. If Ben Affleck as Batman ruined your weekend...there wasn't much to ruin in the first place.

   My crash diet just crashed face first into a bacon double cheeseburger and a large order of fries.

   I hope I enjoy not seeing The Great Gatsby as much as I enjoyed not reading the book.

   My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.

   I would lose weight ... But I hate losing ...

   my 2012 new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

   What happened? Are y'all ok today? FB needs a Dr. Phil button this afternoon. Half of you are Facebook bi-polar anyway....Inspirational in the morning and cursing folks out in the evening.

   If you don't stop wearing that much eyeliner someone is going to call animal control and report you as slutty raccoon on the loose.

   WORD OF ADVICE: The key to a lasting relationship is keeping the fights clean and the sex dirty.

   When updating your status, always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out...

   Dear Booze: Just when I think nobody cares, there you are, lubricating the slide to rock bottom. WEEEEEEEEEE!

   99% of girls are hot. The other 1% go to my school.

   Women are like horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and they're usually wrong.

   Telling somebody you love them is like telling them your dream from last night. You can explain all you want. They'll never understand.

   I reckon that Adele and Drake were hurt by the same man.

   Spelling bees think they're better than the illiterate bees.......... ( Sorry, I'll just let myself out..)

   I'll be a team player when I get paid like a damn pro athlete.