Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard. 
Tim Burton and Johnny Depp should probably start seeing other people.
Friends are just people I hate marginally less than everyone else.
Sometimes it takes me a few tries to get the key in the lock.... So I totally get it you guys.
They say milk is good for your teeth you know what else is good for your teeth minding your own business lol
Beer is good. Beers are better.
Due to the scare of Dec 21, 2012, my "Baby Boom" Prediction should be coming up right on schedule this month and in September.
Children are often spoiled because no one will spank Grandma.
in Ben Affleck's version of Batman. Bruce Wayne's parents kill themselves
Lets be honest. If Ben Affleck as Batman ruined your weekend...there wasn't much to ruin in the first place.
My crash diet just crashed face first into a bacon double cheeseburger and a large order of fries.
I hope I enjoy not seeing The Great Gatsby as much as I enjoyed not reading the book.
My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.
I would lose weight ... But I hate losing ...
If being sarcastic burned calories, Id look like half of an Olsen Twin.
If you want to feel special, I have no problem handing you a helmet and a box of crayons.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn't counting calories.
Ever notice that when you post something on a particular subject, facebook puts up advertising pertaining to it.........hemorrhoids, gonorrhea, g-string, sex change.....let's see what advertisement they have for those things.
my 2012 new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
What happened? Are y'all ok today? FB needs a Dr. Phil button this afternoon. Half of you are Facebook bi-polar anyway....Inspirational in the morning and cursing folks out in the evening. 