Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being a New York Jets fan is like watching Titanic every Sunday and cheering for the boat.

   A teenager in Arkansas was arrested after he was caught driving without a license on his way to the DMV to take a driving test, tried to flee, and crashed into a police car. On the plus side, it sounds like he was probably going to fail anyway.

   Everyone is going to places like Italy, Las Vegas, Cancun and to Europe for vacation and I am just here like, Hey there, bed. You look really nice tonight.

   I got one of those 13.1 bumper stickers cuz that's how many wings I can eat in five minutes.

   A good wife always forgive's her husband when she's wrong..

   Finding Bigfoot has been on the air for 5 years. It should be called Not Finding Bigfoot.

   Whipped cream is just like regular cream but can't do anything unless its girlfriend lets it.

   I jioned weight watchers last month , so far o lost 38 dollars................

   Administering medicine to a toddler should be an Olympic event.

   Donald Sterling is like 80 so banned for life is really like banned for 5 years……..

   TERRORISM - This is what happens when you indoctrinate people with fairy tales that have no basis in reality.

   I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beer.

   Aren't you too fat to be this rude?

   money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

   Never trust a skinny chef

   My plan to discombobulate people with big words has failed egregiously.

   Dear Memory you suck at your job, you only work when you want to.

   Ok let me see if I have this straight. When counting calories, if you forget to write them down, you don't have to count them, right?

   Wondering - will there EVER be a day when it's raining that my mouth says 'Umbrella'.... and my mind doesn't immediately follow with 'ella ella eh eh eh' ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ Thanks for the mind games, Rihanna!!!

   Hey, this Facebook thingy is WAY more fun than talking to each other!