Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whipped cream is just like regular cream but can't do anything unless its girlfriend lets it.

   I jioned weight watchers last month , so far o lost 38 dollars................

   Administering medicine to a toddler should be an Olympic event.

   Donald Sterling is like 80 so banned for life is really like banned for 5 years……..

   TERRORISM - This is what happens when you indoctrinate people with fairy tales that have no basis in reality.

   I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beer.

   Aren't you too fat to be this rude?

   money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

   Never trust a skinny chef

   My plan to discombobulate people with big words has failed egregiously.

   Dear Memory you suck at your job, you only work when you want to.

   Ok let me see if I have this straight. When counting calories, if you forget to write them down, you don't have to count them, right?

   Wondering - will there EVER be a day when it's raining that my mouth says 'Umbrella'.... and my mind doesn't immediately follow with 'ella ella eh eh eh' ☂ ☂ ☂ ☂ Thanks for the mind games, Rihanna!!!

   Hey, this Facebook thingy is WAY more fun than talking to each other!

   The two big events seem to be the Royal Wedding, and the NFL draft, Why not combine the two and see What postion does William take Kate in the First Round!!

   Music is my drugs, Youtube is my DEALER, VEVO are the COPS

   Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!"

   Guys... at what point do they stop being skinny jeans and start being pantyhose?

   hoping to be part of a wordless briefcase exchange someday.

   If I can wear my slippers and there's free food, I'm in.