Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering... 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"

   I've been reading a book called '1,000 sexual positions'. I've reached position 176 and apparently from now on I'm going to need a woman.

   be smart, pretend to be stupid!

   I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

   You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.

   Men in 20's play football, men in 30's play cricket and men in their 40's play Golf. Have you noticed the older the men the smaller the balls?

   Most fortune cookies are too boring and cliché. So, I've decided to start my own fortune cookie company. My goal is to at least make the fortunes more accessible and realistic. Such as: You will experience a horrific bowel movement in about 10 minutes.

   Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

   The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I'm sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.

   This morning a girl on my friends list wrote as her Facebook status "F*CKING PHONE!!!" I'll admit now that asking "Can I watch?" was not really my smartest choice.

   According to the most recent available financial statements, Apple Inc. has more cash on hand—over $76 billion—than the U.S. Treasury. That's why I've taken all my cash and converted it to safe, stable iTunes gift cards.

   My grocery store is trying to be more eco-friendly by lowering the amount of plastic bags used. Great, but perhaps we can start by not giving me a foot-long receipt every time of buy a bag of Doritos.

   Biden created the most heavily armed terrorist nation in history.

   I don't understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z didn't name their baby 'BeJay'.

   The quicker sniffer upper ~ Hunter Biden (learned it from his dad)

   Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?

   If you mix Taco Bell sauce into your ramen, It tastes exactly like poverty

   My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

   Everytime this post is liked, Kanye West gets kicked in the genitals.

   I don't always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.