Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What idiot called it, "leaving right after sex" and not "nuts and bolts"?

   Two seagulls are flying over The Kentucky Derby. The first one says, "I'm gonna put everything I've got on Number Seven."

   Coming soon: Turkey!

   When I dance, people think I'm looking for my keys

   That grandma that got run over by a reindeer was lucky she never lived to hear the terrible Christmas song they wrote about her.

   Who ever invented the "Knock- Knock jokes" should get a No-bell prize

   Dear Haters, ╭∩╮ º.º ╭∩╮ Sincerely, Me.

   It takes a lot of nerve to speak out against gay anything while wearing a sweater vest.....

   My ex is spreading false rumors about me being schizophrenic. Well, four can play at that game!

   My Solution to World Hunger: Unlimited breadsticks and salad at Olive Garden. Oprah, make your move...

   They should let the guy who named a group of crows a "murder" name more stuff.

   My wife and I are into S&M...... She sleeps, I masturbate.

   If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

   There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while I'm trying to interrupt.

   This Alzheimer's Easter Egg Hunt is taking forever...

   Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish all a Happy Saturday!

   Just heard the news Bobby Brown is still alive

   As soon as women see me, they want to get in shape to impress me. So they start running.

   I hate this place, as soon as I find my clothes, I am leaving.

   what the heck is a honey boo boo???