Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Solution to World Hunger: Unlimited breadsticks and salad at Olive Garden. Oprah, make your move...

   They should let the guy who named a group of crows a "murder" name more stuff.

   Just heard the news Bobby Brown is still alive

   As soon as women see me, they want to get in shape to impress me. So they start running.

   Two seagulls are flying over The Kentucky Derby. The first one says, "I'm gonna put everything I've got on Number Seven."

   Coming soon: Turkey!

   When I dance, people think I'm looking for my keys

   That grandma that got run over by a reindeer was lucky she never lived to hear the terrible Christmas song they wrote about her.

   Who ever invented the "Knock- Knock jokes" should get a No-bell prize

   Dear Haters, ╭∩╮ º.º ╭∩╮ Sincerely, Me.

   It takes a lot of nerve to speak out against gay anything while wearing a sweater vest.....

   My ex is spreading false rumors about me being schizophrenic. Well, four can play at that game!

   I hate this place, as soon as I find my clothes, I am leaving.

   what the heck is a honey boo boo???

   Hung like Einstein smart as a horse... Thanks dad.

   Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimal of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...

   STOP ANIMAL TESTING...they don't know the answers.

   Steven Tyler is aging pretty gracefully for a clay-mation skeleton, who fell into a pile of feathers.

   A fun thing to do to a friend that was drinking and driving is to put a sneaker on the windshield wiper the next morning.

   Call me a pessimist but I've already eaten the 22nd, 23rd, and 24th in my advent calendar.