Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?

   I wouldn't say she was fat but she has to wear a G-rope.

   The best thing about the internet: It's available to everyone. The worst thing about the internet: - It's available to everyone.

   I know you're not supposed to wear white after labor day, but they're my legs,, and I don't know how to leave them at home.

   How come none of these new cartoon girls are as fat as the real person??

   I met this woman at the club tonight. Well she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady! It was when she drove me to her place and parrelled parked on the very first try that l thought hold on a minute here!

   When did Facebook become Reading Rainbow?

   To the 42 friends that are currently available to chat at 3:11 in the afternoon... Get a job you losers! Oh, wait...

   This No-Shave November is just a guy thing right? I'm not a big fan of surprises.

   If a soccer player falls in the forest & no one is around, do they still writhe around displaying Oscar worthy performances of pain and grimacing on the ground acting like their shin or their knee exploded? like watching JFK get shot

   Holidays are way too commercialized now a days. Please keep in mind the true meaning of Christmas while and your loved ones put up Christmas lights that are currently 75% off at Walmart!!

   I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.

   “are you f cuking kidding me” - me every two seconds at work.

   24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

   What idiot called it, "leaving right after sex" and not "nuts and bolts"?

   My wife and I are into S&M...... She sleeps, I masturbate.

   If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

   There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while I'm trying to interrupt.

   This Alzheimer's Easter Egg Hunt is taking forever...

   Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish all a Happy Saturday!