Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm fed up with politics. I'm gonna start the Long Island Iced Tea Party movement for those of us who know that both sides sell us the same s**t in a different package.

   Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid.

   Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny, seemed to like the rich families more. Who liked the poor families more? the Stork.

   Women are from Venus? That's bull. They're from Pluto. How else can they stand outside a club in freezing rainy weather with nothing but a mini skirt?

   a mariachi band, is making fajitas, and organizing chihuahua races in the backyard to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. You know you want to be here...

   I've been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't hav

   look, I'm not mad that you're sleeping with my ex...I'm just wondering why you'd want to feel like you're throwing a hotdog down a hallway?

   I don't want you to panic but I'm texting from casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was

   The kid from Two and a Half Men looks more like Natalie from the Facts of Life everyday.

   thankfully I choose my alcholic powers for good instead of evil

   It's all fun and games...unless there's cookies, then it's serious

   My neighbors keep listening to the same song over and over again…..whether they like it or not…..

   Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant." And I know happy days are around the corner.

   [This status has been removed for violating thought processes]

   Just like a baby I like to drink my dinner from a bottle.

   Whenever I see a fat kid running, the slogan 'America Runs On Dunkin' comes to mind.

   Forrest Gump taught us a strange life lesson: Be completely unaware of all success you've achieved and you'll own 50% of a billion dollar shrimpin' company.

   mentally catapulting Angry Birds at the car in front of me...

   It's funny how in pre-school, siting boy-girl-boy-girl used to be a punishment.

   I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers