Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I heard the Japanese have invented a camera with a shutter so fast that it can actually photograph a woman with her mouth shut! Isn't that amazing? Before you show your hurt feelings, just keep in mind THIS IS A JOKE, no one can create a camera that FAST

   if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCALATOR = EVERLASTING FUN

   - Hard drive, floppy drive, flash drive, stiffy disk. Who comes up with these names?

   hates people who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

   What do burnt toast and a pregnant woman have in common?... In both cases you'd wished you had pulled out a few seconds earlier.

   Psst. Hey. Europe is asleep. Let's talk sh*t about them.

   Cyclists want to be treated like motorists until there's a red light. then all of a sudden they are pedestrians..

   wondering why the one country that's the most obsessed with the english royal family is the one that had a tantrum and left in 07.04.1776?

   Tell me and I'll forget; show me and I'll rememeber; involve me and I'll understand.

   I don't care who you are. If you can constantly make me laugh, I'm probably gonna wanna do you.

   running around the house with a towel tied around his neck with only his boxers on and a Giant "S" written on his Chest Yelling "This Looks Like a Job for..."

   Every time a bird poops on my car... I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of

   If Microsoft Word has taught me anything it's that if I want to get a point across, I need to use bullets.

   roses are redish, violets are bluish, without jesus, we'd all be jewish

   I Would Never Be With Someone Just Because They Were Financially Stable. I Would Rather Live In A Trash Can With The Love Of My Life, Than To Live In A Mansion With Someone That Activates My Gag Reflexes.

   My girlfriend told me I don't appreciate her anymore. Well that makes sense since she doesn't blow me anymore.

   I don't know what the big deal is. Rosa Parks never called shotgun.

   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

   You can't force someone to love you, you can only stalk them and hope for the best.

   used to hate going to the gynocologist. But now he's old and his fingers shake a little....