Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nicki Minaj is always dressed like a Japanese girl's luggage.

   They should blast the Oscar Meyer Weiner Song non-stop into Jerry Sandusky's cell for the 400yrs he's in there!!!

   It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's probably the best time to do it.

   My wife looked different today then it dawned on me. Her mouth was closed...

   I hate it when the people who owe me money post about how much they got back from the IRS..............

   WARNING: Ask your doctor if updating your status as often as I do is right for you...

   Baby strollers these days are getting out of hand. You're walking a baby. Not taking it 4x4ing through a gladiator pit on a far off planet.

   I can't play the bagpipes but I can wear a dress and squeeze a really fat cat.

   I tried grilling a chicken at lunchtime. "Right, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?"

   I'm bad kinda in sentences at words order the right putting in.

   My friend said she thought it was so cute how me and my girlfriend always hold hands. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it's because if I let go she goes shopping.

   Don't run your mouth like its on Broadband, when your brains working on Dial up.

   I don't have a drinking problem. I have a drinking passion.

   Dating Rule #7: When on a first date a gentleman always lets his lady have the Burger King crown...Cuz it will make her feel special....

   Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."

   whaa? Today's not Saturday?? Guess I better stop drinking and get to work, then!

   I'm ashamed of this but one Halloween I handed out bouillon cubes. Ha! Joking. I'm not ashamed, it was hilarious.

   It gives Denver the "mile high" city a whole different meaning now! Haha

   If I reply to your one word text... just know you're special.

   I already hate next year.