Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if I had a dollar for every time Capitalism was blamed for problems caused by Government, I'd be a fat filmmaker with a baseball cap.

   Gotta love Facebook. I can update my status, post pictures and even chat with numerous people.....and nobody knows I'm not wearing any pants.

   I got mood poisoning....must have been something I hate.

   Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love, because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall.

   I don't mind drinking 1% milk as long as the other other 99% is some combination of vodka and Kahlua.

   Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."

   I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane's dog & she was like, "I've never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"

   She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you're adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!

   Million dollar idea: Make 2 million then get married.

   Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”

   UK's terror alert levels: 1. Oh we couldn't possibly 2. Blimey! 3. Call Jeeves!! 4. Bloody hell 5. *puts down teacup*

   Sorry I photobombed your pic, but I needed an alibi.

   What's the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses? Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

   Daughter: Momma, can a woman get pregnant from an@l s3x? Mother: Sure Honey. Where do you think politicians come from?

   We get it, ESPN. The superbowl will be cold, you don't have to remind us every 5 minutes.

   Ah, The Super Bowl... Finally I can say "What a huge sack!" or "That's some serious penetration by The D!" Without being judged by the guys.

   I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".

   If I offer to take you out to eat and you are rude to the waiter like you are the one paying the bill expect me to embarrass your shameless ass in front of the same waiter.

   Apparently the Patriots win was more deflating to the Colts than first thought.

   don't go outside, people talk to you. i'm still shaking.