Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever start a team, I'm going to name it "Each Other Off"...That way when we loose a game, the other players will have to tell people they "beat each other off last night"!!!

   A bee just flew into my car so I had to abandon it on the highway and now I'm walking home.

   I've looked all over ESPN for last night's WWE match winners but it's like it's not a real sport…

   90% of the ocean remains unexplored and you're telling me mermaids don't exist?

   I bet homeless people think we're making fun of them when we go camping.

   I'm always surprised how quickly "you're so funny" turns into "everything is a joke to you." (usually about 3 months)

   If the neighbors don't know your name, you're not f*cking your woman right...

   I may not always celebrate holidays, but when I do, I prefer Christmas. Stay cheerful, my friend!!

   This Friday the 13th instead of Jason popping out of nowhere to kill us, Jennifer Hudson will sing about how much weight shes lost until we commit suicide.

   Just saw a guy getting jumped. I was going to help him out, but he was wearing Crocs.

   Politicians are almost always viewed on camera from the waist up during speeches and debates because their pants are OBVIOUSLY on fire.

   Seriously.. Shouldnt the etrade baby be like 7 by now?

   "Its a boy!" I shouted, as I ran from the brothel in Thailand......

   Annie was an orphan because she was a filthy, disgusting, ginger child who wouldn't stop singing

   Haven't gotten ONE response to my hospital job applications!! Can someone make sure my email address works: merciful_angel_of_death82@yahoodotcom

   every 5 seconds, somewhere on this planet a woman gives birth to a child. I think! We must find this woman and stop her.

   My wife complained the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains and men nothing?" I laughed and said, "Don't be silly honey, he gave us women."

   It's always the ugly girls who are feminists

   Guys, it is true. Size DOES matter. When have you ever been satisfied after she brings you a small sandwich?

   Guys that can pass for pregnant shouldn't be allowed to take their shirt off in public.