Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the neighbors don't know your name, you're not f*cking your woman right...

   It's always the ugly girls who are feminists

   Guys, it is true. Size DOES matter. When have you ever been satisfied after she brings you a small sandwich?

   Guys that can pass for pregnant shouldn't be allowed to take their shirt off in public.

   every 5 seconds, somewhere on this planet a woman gives birth to a child. I think! We must find this woman and stop her.

   My wife complained the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains and men nothing?" I laughed and said, "Don't be silly honey, he gave us women."

   Annie was an orphan because she was a filthy, disgusting, ginger child who wouldn't stop singing

   Haven't gotten ONE response to my hospital job applications!! Can someone make sure my email address works: merciful_angel_of_death82@yahoodotcom

   Just saw a guy getting jumped. I was going to help him out, but he was wearing Crocs.

   Politicians are almost always viewed on camera from the waist up during speeches and debates because their pants are OBVIOUSLY on fire.

   I may not always celebrate holidays, but when I do, I prefer Christmas. Stay cheerful, my friend!!

   This Friday the 13th instead of Jason popping out of nowhere to kill us, Jennifer Hudson will sing about how much weight shes lost until we commit suicide.

   Seriously.. Shouldnt the etrade baby be like 7 by now?

   "Its a boy!" I shouted, as I ran from the brothel in Thailand......

   A baby frog just purposely threw himself in front of my lawn mower..... I guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

   (Tiger's Christmas Song) Oh the weather outside is frightful. Having many tramps is so delightful. Just so my hot wife don't know…text a ho, text a ho, text a ho.

   wonders why women spend so much on sunglasses? Wouldn't it be cheaper to tint the kitchen windows.

   I apologize for Poking you. Please chill. It's just that I couldn't find the bend over and let me f**k you in the a$$ without a lubricant button.

   When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out… “hey, who knew they had wi-fi up here?”

   Toy Story must have been written by a woman. Who else would name their toys Woody and Buzz!!