Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not allowed to use metaphors anymore. It's like an applesauce sandwich trying to teabag a Yeti. Know what I mean?

   To all who have worn the uniform of the United States Armed Forces……. from the first shots fired at Lexington in 1775, to the shots still being fired overseas this very day……. I salute you!

   Texting: dragging a five minute conversation out for five hours.

   Roses are red. Violets are blue. The Universe is a holographic wave-particle illusion. I licked all your spoons.

   No matter what people think of you, walk around with your head held high. Multiple chins are not cute.

   If I died wouldnt it be weird if you still got random status updates from me?? "I can see the light"...."This line to see Jesus is long"...."I wonder if someone will let me front skip them"...."Oh snap heaven is doin pat-downs"

   Blind hookers...ya gotta hand it to em!

   As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

   Who wants to get deleted.. send me a game request. . .

   Bored? Send a text message to a random number saying: "I'm Pregnant"

   Congrats to all the Third world children who will be getting their 2012 Ravens Super Bowl ,and AFC championship sweatshirts and hats next week.

   I'm pretty sure the only thing guys learned from the game Hungry, Hungry Hippos is that if you slap it on the ass, it will eat your balls.....

   proud of himself. He just finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years!

   Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

   My wife: you wanna watch Glee? Me: you know, I'd love to but I was gonna drink battery acid and teabag a poison ivy bush..

   next time I see a place that says no shirt no shoes no service I'm gunna walk in without pants

   Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are.

   I hate when I don't think of the good stuff to say till after the argument is over

   You're like a drug to me, not only am I hooked on you but you're also ruining my life...

   I'm your friend, and that's why I think I should tell you that your hair, in your new profile pic, says sexual predator all over it…