Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you've ever refused to finish a drink because "it didn't taste good" even though it had alcohol in it I'm not sure we can be friends.

   Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it's a good morning for a few minutes.

   If I get arrested, I am going to ask for a tweet instead of a phone call.

   You would think these "self checkout" lanes at walmart would have a curtain or something....this is embarassing :-[

   I spent all my money last night on strippers and beer thinking the world was ending... now what

   If you stick a pencil far enough up your nose,, you can actually erase your feelings

   Don't get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.

   Hmmm I'm going to pick up a Nicki Minaj album and listen to it for it's richness in pop culture and it's intelligent coherent lyrics..............said no one ever...

   I just found out that all the people who say "You haven't changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)

   Looks like Chris Brown faked his community service. Guess he's trying to beat the system too.

   I don't make annoying passive aggressive statuses, unlike some people I know.

   If you love someone let them go, if they come back..... YOU leave, so that the "bleep" knows what it feels like. :)

   Pollen: Natures way of blowing a load all over everything. Happy Spring!

   Some days I hate getting up for work, but then I think oh well, only another 40 years to go, and that always cheers me up.

   Eventually we'll have to explain to our grandchildren how we allowed Gangnam Style to become the most watched video and it won't be easy.

   You're not damaged goods, but there is a clearance sticker on your back

   I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women's restroom.

   I want to pause for a moment to remember all my friends that gave a life in Candy Crush Saga. Your sacrifice has not gone unnoticed

   Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she's pregnant.

   No clue when this weed I found in my bathroom drawer is from, but based on these intense cravings for an Orange Julius, I'd say 1988 or so.