Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Craigslist--the site where I can find anything, until I actually want to buy something....

   Couples who wear matching clothes should be stabbed with matching knives.

   Lawmakers here in New York are considering a plan to bring slot machines to LaGuardia Airport. Of course there's always that other way to gamble at LaGuardia — checking a bag.

   Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

   Looked all over and found no eggs,they were stacked neatly in a carton ,uncolored in the fridge...well played Easter bunny ..well played!!

   Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?

   “We don't lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids

   I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.

   Bacon Fact #11: Bacon is healthier than crystal meth.

   If I owned a taser, I'd probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself. That's why I don't have a taser.

   I got 99 problems and money could solve at least 73 of them.

   I would rather be known in life as a honest sinner, than a lying hypocrite.

   Yikes. don't google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"

   Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.

   The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don't.

   A stripper quit her job. She was tired of the same old thong and dance.

   Designers have invented a new bra for middle-aged women. They've called it "the Sheepdog", as it rounds em up and points them in the right direction.

   All I want for christmas is to keep the things i've got.

   I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.

   Poor North Korea, now they have to call Comcast to get their internet fixed.