Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “We don't lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids

   I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.

   Bacon Fact #11: Bacon is healthier than crystal meth.

   If I owned a taser, I'd probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself. That's why I don't have a taser.

   I got 99 problems and money could solve at least 73 of them.

   I would rather be known in life as a honest sinner, than a lying hypocrite.

   Yikes. don't google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"

   Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.

   The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don't.

   A stripper quit her job. She was tired of the same old thong and dance.

   Designers have invented a new bra for middle-aged women. They've called it "the Sheepdog", as it rounds em up and points them in the right direction.

   All I want for christmas is to keep the things i've got.

   I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.

   Poor North Korea, now they have to call Comcast to get their internet fixed.

   It's so cold out I just yelled "MUSH" to start my car!

   "Shutting the hell up about your diet" is also low in calories.

   one time I came home early and walked in on my dog pretending to be me. he was just lying on the floor sighing but I know it was me

   there anything on this menu with extra gluten?

   You think you love your family but suddenly there's three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.

   My shirt has two button-down options: Uptight golf dude, or disco chest hair.