Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am taking a shot for every "like" I get on this status. Then again, I'm taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.

   Who else thinks their ringtone is the best, but when you're in public and it rings, it's the most embarrassing moment of your life?

   What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.

   Look. If there's a chick wearing a dog collar in her profile pic, she's got a friend request coming from me. Period.

   Whenever I see a sock puppet... I wonder if he might be my long-lost son from one of my countless affairs with socks.

   That awkward moment when you give a mint to a person with a horrible bad breath....they take it, then put it in their pocket!

   How do people who are housebound obese not see that coming? You're gradually getting fatter. It's not Willy Wonka and that blueberry girl, where you just blow up. If you're walking out of your house sideways because you're too fat, make a mental note.

   The best medicine in the world is a mother's hug

   R.I.P. Pavol Demitra and the hockey team killed in the plane crash near the city of Yaroslavl

   Hi, may I help you?" "No I just waited 15 mins in the line to say Hi.

   : eanie, meanie, minie, moe, caught a Tiger with his ho.

   just fell in a fountain.

   Statistically, I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to hell in multiple religions.

   When somebody sends me a 'k' text, I assume they forgot the rest of "fuc_ you" so I make sure to correct them.

   North Korea is pretty stupid for threating the United States especially when their air force uses 70's era aircraft. United States will kick your ass. It's what we do for fun.

   This North Korea situation is turning into the slowest Bond movie ever.

   The lady told me to make myself at home, so I shotgunned a bottle of wine, masturbated then cried myself to sleep. Best job interview ever!

   What concert ticket costs 0.45 cents? .... 50 cent Feat. Nickleback....

   "What do you mean, my birth certificate expired? "

   receives sound advice from girlfriends. 99% sound, 1% advice.