Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.

   I got 69 problems. My girlfriend is a midget.

   may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don't have the best childing skills, either.

   It was said that Fast Luke had the quickest hand in the West. Too bad everyone else used guns. Luke's final words reportedly were "pew, pew"

   Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...

   PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Please be careful and chew your food,,, More people choke on Thanksgiving than on any other day.. . * unless you're a Denver Bronco,, cause you already choked last Sunday night

   does not take fashion advice from people who wear crocs

   stopped by a man in the street who asked... "Excuse me... can you tell me the quickest way to get to the hospital" I replied..... "Yeah..... just call me a name"

   At the beginning of any relationship, every girl treats her boyfriend as "GOD." ... 'Later on somehow the alphabets get reversed!!!

   a boy walked in on his mom and dad having sex. His dad said "we're making you a brother/sister" the boy replies "do her doggie style, I'd rather have a puppie"

   Nothing to prove & very little to lose

   an organ donor. Need anything?

   Our Government will swap 5 known terrorists for a deserter, yet won’t lift a hand to save an American civilian.

   You can steal my status if you like but just know I lick each one before I post them!

   i think fake boobs should come with a squeaky toy inside. How much fun would that be!

   One man's trash is another man's daughter.

   Commercials for PizzaRolls would be more realistic if they had the kids screaming in agony as they burned their mouths on the cheese filling..

   There was a therapist on TV talking about the importance of having a reward system in place for when your child behaves. I remember having that with my parents, it was called "not getting your ass beat."

   I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.

   'I wasn't that drunk' Dude, you threw my hamster shouting GO Pikachu.