Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   stopped by a man in the street who asked... "Excuse me... can you tell me the quickest way to get to the hospital" I replied..... "Yeah..... just call me a name"

   At the beginning of any relationship, every girl treats her boyfriend as "GOD." ... 'Later on somehow the alphabets get reversed!!!

   a boy walked in on his mom and dad having sex. His dad said "we're making you a brother/sister" the boy replies "do her doggie style, I'd rather have a puppie"

   Nothing to prove & very little to lose

   an organ donor. Need anything?

   Our Government will swap 5 known terrorists for a deserter, yet won’t lift a hand to save an American civilian.

   You can steal my status if you like but just know I lick each one before I post them!

   i think fake boobs should come with a squeaky toy inside. How much fun would that be!

   One man's trash is another man's daughter.

   Commercials for PizzaRolls would be more realistic if they had the kids screaming in agony as they burned their mouths on the cheese filling..

   There was a therapist on TV talking about the importance of having a reward system in place for when your child behaves. I remember having that with my parents, it was called "not getting your ass beat."

   I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.

   'I wasn't that drunk' Dude, you threw my hamster shouting GO Pikachu.

   I'm so gangsta, I don't even report to Microsoft when Firefox unexpectedly quits. Snitches get Stitches B*tches!

   Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager. It's called the Heineken Manoeuvre.

   Sitting in the theater, ready to watch the move then BAM!!! The human giraffe decides to sit in front of you!

   A stark reminder that we're just guests on this planet.

   There is a "lie" in believe, "over" in lover, "end" in friend, "us" in trust, "ex" in "next" and "if" in life.

   You know you've been playing "Call of Duty" too much, when during sex, you shout "COVER ME! I'm RELOADING!"

   Maybe we should put the NCAA in charge of the Catholic Church too.