Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

   The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

   It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

   We’re finally out of lockdown!!! Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary sh*t.

   Well it’s that time of the year to go outside and pretend to put up the Christmas lights I never took down from last year.

   We’re being punished for making too many things from cauliflower.

   You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

   Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

   What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

   Me: [donating body to Science] Science: [donates my body to Goodwill]

   I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

   My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses

   Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for supper... we found Himalayan on the road!

   Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

   I'm assuming lube is for people who can't spit.

   OMG.... I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   Next time you visit someone with Alexa. "Alexa set 3am alarm with horror movie sounds."

   St Peter: "so..how did you die?" Me: "I was sat on a beanbag and the house caught fire"

   Did I miss the grammys again! darn that makes like 10 years in a row.

   I put my fitbit on the refrigerator handle. Amazing, my daily activity has increased 10 fold....that's the ticket....