Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thankful for all the god given breasts that he put on so many beautiful woman.

   They should really make stomach medicines taste better, cause the last thing I want to swallow when I'm sick is something chalky and ass flavored.

   Just decked the halls. Let that be a warning to halls everywhere.

   Sometimes I take the bus instead of drive because there aren't usually 11 hot Mexican chicks in my car.

   Doctors say a drink a day is good for the heart. I'm gonna live forever!

   you know...."Manuscript" is probably the classiest place to hide the word "anus"....

   Sometimes when I am bored I like to park on the side of the freeway and stick a blow dryer out the window and watch the cars slam on their brakes.

   You would have thought that the Mexican Mafia would have done something about Taco Bell by now.

   The love of Money is the root of all evil.. For more information,,,, send $20 to me.

   I have more money now than I did when I went out last night. Which means I exchanged goods and/or services while drunk. Not good.

   Don't underestimate me, That's my family's job.

   My kids are lucky, their crossing guard dresses as Santa every year. When I was a kid my crossing guard looked like Carla from Cheers.

   Fellas: Always look for girls that arrive to the bar in a cab, they're the ones that are planning on getting wasted and wild that night.

   ♫♪♫....I'm beginning to think I'm blocked for Christmas...♫♪♫

   The plot in 16 Candles wouldn't work now because Facebook would remind everyone it was Molly Ringwald's birthday.

   Gold Digger is another term for "smart hooker"

   Gentlemen Never forget that a girl is your friend only until she finds a boyfriend.

   You never have to wonder if someone loves you or not; their actions will speak loud and clear. If you're still wondering, they don't.

   The festive hustle and bustle of the holiday season sure does bring out the best in no one.

   If You need me, I'll call You.