Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To all guys who say they don't understand women: You don't have to understand how a TV works to enjoy watching it, do you?

   Last time I checked, my name wasn't in the dictionary. Therefore, I can't be defined.

   Charlie Sheen says he's back to reality and is not crazy anymore. My ex-wife says the same thing.

   I haven't spoken to my wife in 8 days because she hates it when I interrupt her

   Those who drink to drown their sorrows should be taught that sorrows know how to swim.

   If you wear a bluetooth, please use one of your free hands to slap the ever loving sh*t out of yourself.

   Apparently, Bin Laden had a 25 million dollar price tag on his head. What kind of ridiculous, designer turban was he wearing?

   Just when I thought my dream was real.............the elephant wants to start talkin

   4 Steps to dealing with telemarketers: 1. Repeat yourself 3 times 2. Always respond in question form 3. Scream at random 4. Make no sense

   Volunteering in times of crisis is good. I just called the local strip club to call me immediately if they lose power. I'm ready to help out.

   Cesar Millan is amazing as The Dog Whisperer but I'm not gonna be really impressed until a show called "Rebellious Teenager Whisperer" comes out.

   I attend wedding simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."open bar"

   Certain people think they are way more important then they actually are. Especially where I work.

   I'm the type of person who would spend 20 years becoming a judge, just so ONE person could be all, "You can't judge me!" And I'm like, "Bull$hit."

   Due to inclimte weather, all shenanigans are cancelled until further notice

   I cut my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire.

   Stop taking pictures of yourself in the bathroom... It's never sexy to pose where you poop!!

   silence is golden, but duct tape is all kinds of cool colors now!

   Only Steve Jobs Could Bite An APPLE & Keep It Fresh For 3 Decades. R.I.P Steve Jobs

   Daylight savings is the lamest form of time travel.