Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think “They’re killing my family, and I’ll have to fight the attacker naked…”

   Seriously! Just watched a deer look both ways before crossing a road. Isolated incident or beginning of a much welcomed change in behavior?

   If you say "cash money" around me, Don't act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts",,,,,,,,,,,,,See how stupid that sounds?

   You had me at, "Hello." You lost me at, "I have a cat."

   Yes Grandma, I'm almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq

   When someone says "be honest" what they really mean is: lie to me, but be as convincing as possible.

   Nothing is more beautiful than a smile that bursts through tears.

   A massive meteor hit Russia injuring hundreds. Rihanna insists the meteor has changed & that everyone should give the meteor another chance.

   I'm interested to find out what the police have Oscar Pistorius’s height listed as.

   I would have a lot more sex if it weren’t so expensive.

   just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair.

   if you're absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present during my success.

   : It's Halloween. Let's see how many women in costumes I mistake for prostitutes...

   confused as a Amish guy at Best Buy.

   Stans' Rule #39: When showering at a guest house and your not 100% sure about the towel, DON'T dry your face. Doing so may lead to resentful feelings of said guest!

   You call it leftovers, I call it fine dining for at least a week.

   Women are like newspapers, you should really get your own and stop borrowing your neighbor's.

   getting a 1 bedroom apartment and a cat in May. Or, as I like to call it, the "Serial Killer Starter Kit."

   Dear Winter, I am breaking up with you. It's not me, it's you, you make me miserable. I think it's time I start seeing other seasons.

   my head says no, my heart says yes an my stomach say cheesebruger no pickles, with jus a lil bit of mustard...