Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My parents are about to get a divorce. Haha, I'm kidding. I'm black, my parents haven't seen each other in 15 years.

   Refusing to accept refugees is not cold and heartless. I lock my doors every night; not because I hate the people on the outside but because I love the people on the inside.

   Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked.............................For Free!!

   I don't know guys, that Gadhafi picture just looks like Gene Simmons after a Kiss concert.

   Sh!t you not: My cashier's name was Kashir. Motherf*cker would NOT let me take a picture. He said he "don't geeve a sheet about fecebook."

   For men who think.."A woman's place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that's where the knives are kept.

   It's amazing the amount of bullsh*t a man will put up with if he has even the slightest thought he might get a piece of ass.

   Snooki look like a retarded version of Kim kardashian

   Could switching to Geico really save you 50% or more on car insurance???.....Does being on Facebook really give you the feeling that people's lives are a little over-exaggerated just by reading their status updates?

   I'm high on life! And pot. Well...mostly pot. But I love life! Probably because of pot.

   Upon learning about the death of his idol Charles Manson, Chuck Schumer wept and was quoted, "He taught me all that I know!"

   There is no "i" in "team." But there's an "i" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team" so....there

   We naming the printer in our office BOB MARLEY because its always JAMMIN'

   How much of this "no more tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?

   I dont care if you dont like me, I am not in the business of entertaining anyone.

   I hate it when I'm daydreaming and some retard waves his hand in my face.

   Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.

   "Son, are you gay?" - No, i´m a princess.

   Recent studies show that 1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.

   Look, I'm just saying that somewhere between Jesus dying on the cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs... There seems to be a gap of information!