Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   More bad news for the New England Patriots. The NFL now has video of those deflated footballs alone in an elevator with Ray Rice

   Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.

   First rule of cuddle club, it better lead to sex or you are out of cuddle club.

   Imma let you finish Caitlyn, but Beyonce is the best looking tranny of all time.

   Raising ones leg and releasing a loud fart is a proper response for any man who doesn't like his wife's tone of voice.

   Black Friday. The day we buy a whole bunch of material goods to celebrate the birth of a man who didn't believe in material goods.

   If chains and whips excite rihanna then why did she break up with Chris Brown ?

   life is all bout ass... you're either kissing it, behaving like it, covering it, working it off, or trying to get a piece of it.

   Two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets."

   Everybody deserves someone who makes them look forward to tomorrow.

   My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

   The difference between making love and f*cking is the condition of the furniture afterward.

   Happy father day to the men in our lives that have made a diffrence when we didnt have one to be there.., our uncles, brothers, grandfathers teachers bosses,step dads...you didnt have to be there, but we were all grateful you were.

   If I'm ever attacked by a gang of clowns, don't worry about me, cause I'll imediately "go for the juggler."

   One of these days I'm going to show up at this WHO CARES hole-in-the-wall you just "checked in" on 4square & slap your phone out of your hand.

   FACT: Every woman got a girlfriend that they don't trust around their man.

   An old man sent his wife out whoring to make money and she only came back with $7.05. He said, "'who's the cheap SOB who gave you the nickel"? She said, "they all did"...

   Sexist jokes are wrong and people need to stop post...... Sorry, that was my girlfriend, I left my laptop in the kitchen again.

   My wife asked me if she could get a boob job today. I told her to take some toilette paper, rub it in between her boobs once or twice a day for a couple months. She asked me why, I said, “It worked on your butt, didn't it?”

   How many people have gone to bed so angry with someone you've pretended to have a nightmare , just so you can roll over and punch them in the head??