Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Black friday: because only in America people trample each other for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have

   Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood ... In 2011: he died of hunger.

   If people could read my mind I'd get punched in the face a lot.

   OH NO! It is January and cold outside. Has the world gone mad?

   An Alligator bit off an 81 year old women's arm in Florida, I guess 81years without getting your arm bitten off is a pretty good effort...

   I thought about shaving my legs today but what's the point? I'm not gonna wear a dress and I'm not having sex, so hairy legs it is :D

   I'll admit. Asians are so bad at driving I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.

   Dear Doctor Phil, I was wacking off, looking out our bathroom window at the neighbor lady sunbathing topless. And seen my wife watching me with her arms crossed and giving me a dirty look...My question is, Is she perverted?

   Laughing for 10 minutes adds 1 day to your life. Follow me and you'll live forever!

   My wife is sick. My daughter won't sleep. Money's tight. If my car doesn't start in the morning, I'll have a country song.

   Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone without asking first

   i am always right, never wrong, one time I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong...

   The guy who named the Iceland volcano "Eyjafjallajokull" must have fallen asleep on his keyboard

   If your blonde and you know it stomp your feet! *clap* *clap*

   Thinks i'm going to answer the phone at work all day today saying ''Hello, this is Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color"?

   Your Hope has been redistributed... Here's your Change.

   as pissed off as a midget with a yo yo

   Lil' help ladies...If a woman says she'd rather go home and fart in a shoe box, is that "code" for something?

   TAMPAX have announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel..this is for the christmas period only!

   Been coughing all night & day, can't seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.