Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Lord please grant me one day of freedom from the law so I can set a few people straight :)

   I'm better than most people. Even in the small things. Like when I use a Public Toilet I can easily ascertain that I'm better than 95% of the people who've been there because I know how to flush properlly.

   I am a member of NSS( National Sarcastic Society).Our motto:"Like we Need your approval"

   Internet connection failed!: □ Wait patiently. ✔ Rape the refresh button.

   It's Friday!!!!!! I just thought i'd tell ya'll that just incase you haven't seen all the other 1000 post about it.

   Believing Harold Camp is kinda like believing O.J. Simpson as a character witness at a murder trial

   ....where are all the cabbage patch parents?

   Well, the NFL players have officially decided that I will not be spending Sundays with my family this Fall...

   Sometimes you have to tell yourself "This the worst idea ever!" and then do it anyways.

   Do you really have "haters" or are people just telling the truth and you're actually just an a$$hole? Check into that for us. .

   Trust Is Like An Eraser It Gets Smaller&&Smaller After Every Mistake!!!

   Yahoo News - "World's oldest man dies". Why does this keep happening?!

   I would take a bullet for u.. Not a real one mind you. But a Coors Light for sure.

   In his last act of terrorism, Osama Bin Laden is blowing up my facebook newsfeed.

   I love watching two girls meet for the first time. Its easily the fakest thing I have ever seen.

   Judging off of the taste of Special K cereal, I can only imagine how terrible Normal K cereal must taste.

   If one more teenager uses the term 'Back in the day'...I swear I'm gonna smack the Cr@p out of them with a floppy disk and choke them with my Members Only jacket!!!

   If you're going to get all religious on me, I will post college pictures of you drunk...

   After all these years together my wife and I have finally reach the S & M phase of our relationship,,,,,,,,,She Sleeps while I Masturbate.

   Just did my morning run!! (from the bed to the bathroom) I feel so invigorated.