Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best relationships are the ones where the other person makes you so f*cking h*rny you can't remember why they've made you so p*ssed off.

   Still in my Y2K bunker. Have they given the all clear yet? Running out of beans.

   I don't think I've ever seen a Mexican midget. I bet they're all just having a hard time making it over the fence

   I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

   Gold Digger - like a hooker, only smarter.

   Happiness is going to your sons wedding, seeing your ex-wife and fighting the desire to shake the hand of the man who she left you to be with and say, "thank you, I really dodged the bullet on that one"

   Its a sad day. Signed, Epstein's Mother

   Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.

   I'm not saying Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are talentless and incapable of attracting faithful fans. What I'm saying is that most of those fans still live in Grandma's Basement and keep the great American product KY Jelly in steady production.

   wondering which of the following are most likely to happen? 1: The Rapture. 2: Pigs flying in perfect formation. 3: Politicians being completely honest.

   If I get any more awesome I'll have to pay a luxury tax

   Bravo Taco Bell for your beefesque product. Even if it is only 35% well I say just eat 3 of them ...to get 105%

   the longest yard is that space between me and the nacho dip

   Why are there some skinny girls modeling jeans on a Lane Bryant commercial?!

   "We're born alone, we live alone, and we die alone. Only thorugh our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone." Orson Wells

   If M&M's came in white wrappers, there would be too many punchlines to the beginning of this sentence.

   I have planned to be very spontaneous today

   Sheesh, The Heat hasn't been this bad since the NBA finals.

   Just heard about the death of one of the biggest stars of our time. We all knew they had it coming with the pale white skin and slits for a nose, they'll be greatly missed. RIP Voldemort...

   I was in a Ross' today. Do they always look like they were just hit by an earthquake?