Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We ignore those who need us and need those who ignore us....

   Shouting "Ewok porn!" during a brainstorming session is neither "productive" nor "funny" apparently.

   I wonder how awkward it was for the guy who invented clapping: *claps* "What're you doing??" Not Sure...but it sounds encouraging

   Best pick up line? Lets go eat. I'm paying!

   With fewer toothpaste choices on the market now, maybe those 5 dentists can finally agree.

   Well, I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I am available. I have some mad stalking skills plus references.

   Every day above ground is a good day.

   RIP Donna Summer NOW we will never know who left the cake out in the rain

   Time does not heal all wounds. Case in point, leave a gunshot wound untreated and see where that lands you.

   If Facebook really wanted to entertain us, they'd make it a requirement for people to share their "mental status" in addition to each new status update.

   That high horse you think you're sitting on, is really a low donkey.

   I was good at math, until they decided to start mixing in the alphabet too.

   If you put more money into the car than you did those 23's, you might not be broke down on the side of the road.

   Sometimes I feel like I'm possessed by an old Jewish lady. Especially when paying for something.

   I'm beginning to have serious doubts that anyone ever called Steve Miller "the space cowboy."

   I've done more today than I've done in 4 years.

   I just ate empanadas and listened to old Menudo records. I'm pretty sure that makes me more Puerto Rican than Jennifer Lopez now.

   A Brief History of Our Times: As televisions became flatter, people became rounder. 

   I separate women into two categories: 1. Women I would have sex with. 2. Dudes.

   Where do I purchase one of those filters that goes between my brain & my mouth?