Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you hit your girlfriend's best friend with a car, apparently, "I banged your best friend" is the wrong way to inform her.

   I just realized I can make 50 funny faces at my boss in less than 30 seconds while the elevator door closes. Anyway, got fired.

   Police call it "reckless driving", we call it "skills

   The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

   The things I've seen while hiding in someone's closet are shocking sometimes... there are some sick people out there.

   When I'm a millionare, I'm hiring someone whose only job is to stand at the top of a stairwell and high-five me when I get to the top.

   Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.

   My New Year's resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.

   This kid at my nephew's birthday party sh!t his pants and got to go home. I'm seriously considering this option.

   I haven't had sex my wife in a year and she's 6 weeks pregnant. Take that people that don't believe in miracles.

   Breaking news: future editions of Monopoly will feature interchangable spaces for what are now Income Tax and Luxury Tax. Players will have the option to choose from the words "Tax," "Penalty," or "Fine," because, clearly, words no longer have meanings

   I could scroll down my Facebook newsfeed and write a country song!!

   When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

   DO NOT tickle me, Elmo!

   It's unbelievable how many problems go away by simply ignoring them and going to sleep.

   Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.

   dear rapper, pls stop using sirens in ur songs sincerely, paranoid smoker

   When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.

   When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?

   What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.