Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The criminals on Scooby Doo suck! A bunch of teenage stoners and a DOG just solved your crime. I think you need a new line of work my friend

   Don't you hate it when you get texts from people like "ok" or "ya" and you don't know what to say so you just don't text back.

   Cellphones have made hide and seek meaningless now.

   I am too lazy to walk a mile in your shoes so I will just go ahead and judge you.

   Winter trees at sunset have the look of a lonely old man realizing there will be no visitors today.

   I was blinded by your beauty so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.

   My advice is to make money the old fashioned way (by intercepting Spanish galleons transporting gold from the New World).

   Some people look at a mousetrap and just see a trap for a mouse. Some of us look and see free cheese and a challenge.

   I think I may be getting too old for a holiday metro vest and skinny jeans....Which most likely explains the weird looks I was getting when I split my pants while shopping at Hot Topic!

   Some people carry a yoga mat, which says a lot about them. I carry a placemat, which says a lot about me.

   There's always a ho or a rumour that ruins every relationship

   Wal-Mart needs to change their slogan to "what has been seen can never be unseen."

   Teacher told us how Tom Sawyer was a free-spirited tale of misbehaving rascals; then screamed at us to sit still & listen.

   flagging your girlfriend offside when she leaves the kitchen. a typical valentines day procedure.

   and on a positive note today is Taco Tuesday!!

   getting a tat of your kids faces is a great idea, as you get saggy and wrinkly it creates a free age progression for them

   Go ahead and play "hard to get"...I'll be over here playing "don't give a s$it"

   I'm not what nature intended.

   Heard the guy trying on skinny jeans & telling the assistant he's married. Not sure why he got offended when I asked "who's the lucky guy?"

   Am I the only one who can't remember anyone's birthday without facebook?