Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro tip: On Canadian Wheel of Fortune,,, ALWAYS buy the letter 'eh'.

   I am one chin away from my goal weight.

   I hate that I liked something on facebook that "you" liked

   When your boss says to make your dreams come true, he probably doesn't mean the one where you push him down the stairs.

   I would much rather answer silly questions than try to fix stupid mistakes.

   Chill ladies. "Hi" is neither a booty call nor a marriage proposal. It's just a greeting...

   Know what's sexy? Everyone…right after I finish my 5th beer.

   I took an Ambien and now I hate everyone....

   Shopping for antiques won't make you gay, but it will make you buy curios.

   If you can't find your wife or GF at the mall, just start talking to the hottest girl you see and she'll appear out of nowhere.

   "If I get off , It will be on your face" - United passenger

   Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?

   Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.

   Why don't family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7

   My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."

   Relationships always start out as "You're smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it's all a joke to you!"

   The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That's Cole's Law.

   God created the world in 6 days but took 9 months to create me, so clearly I’m a big deal.

   Kaepernick keeps taking a knee based on a lie...Michael Brown never had his hands up!

   Hillary Clinton promises to wear a Chewbecca mask in public to improve her polling numbers.