Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Went for a job interview! The Boss looked over my resume' and says''For someone with absolutely no experience you sure are asking for a high salary!'' I said ''Well, Du'h...everyone knows the less you know the harder you have to work!!!''

   More often than not, my feelings can be summed up with a simple "feh."

   Why in the heck are there stitch marks on zombies? Who's giving them medical attention?

   Ah yes, Friday. Wha...What was that? Saw it out of the corner of my eye. There, behind the...I just saw it duck down. There it is again disappearing just as I almost get a glimpse of it. MONDAY! I KNOW IT'S YOU, YOU BA$TARD!

   You know what really upsets me? When a stranger on the internet isn't satisfied with the entertainment I provide him for free. It hurts. :(

   Apparently evolution decided tails were useless, but nipples on men made sense.

   My whole life flashes in front of me when I hear the words ‘We need to talk'.

   if you come to my house for Halloween don't be surprised if you see a couple of scary goblins....I sometimes forget to button my housecoat.

   Another night alone,,,,,,,,I wish I was from Nantucket!!!

   The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.

   I'm a good idea in theory.

   Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.

   Talk about double standards! When I showed my bud my new harley it's was perfectly acceptable for him to say "That's great! Can I have a go on it?" But when I said the same as he introduced his new girlfriend to me it's a different story.

   I only do what I’m told when I like what I am told.

   I'll do almost anything to lose weight. But exercising and eating properly is where I draw the line.

   Honey, you don’t have sex appeal. You have slut appeal. There’s a difference.

   Whoever named them "urinal cakes" has grossly overestimated their love for cake.... On a different note, what is the strongest toothpaste available?

   An eye for an eye leaves the whole world with a lot of pirates and cyclops.

   Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.

   Being too lazy to go grocery shopping is the best diet ever.