Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage vows should include no bringing up crap that happened 8 years ago.

   Most problems can be solved with Nudity

   I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

   I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor

   Miguel Cabrera from the Detroit Tigers signed a 300 million dollar contract... He's worth more than the city of Detroit!

   I've officially met everyone's mother yesterday via Facebook so I'm pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies

   Never tell your wife she is just like her mother, even if it's true.

   Some couples hold hands because theyre afraid that if they let go theyd kill each other

   I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.

   I colored my hair today. Never doing that again. It took 5 hours and 12 Sharpies.

   Since you clearly don't know the difference between Prince Charming and The Big Bad Wolf, I'm soo revoking your Disney Princess Fan Club Membership.

   i like to say a BIG HAPPY CHRISTMAS to the person who dropped money on the floor today.thank you

   Textaphrenia- Hearing or feeling vibrations from texts that dpnt exist..

   thought about dozens of Vampire movies and shows for the past decade and wondered which ones sucked the life out him and the ones that just sucked.

   loves automatic doors. It makes him feel like a Jedi.

   The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

   snuck his daughter's phone and changed his contact info to Batman. Now it's a little more exciting when she gets a text like 'get ready. picking you up in 5 mins.

   I sometimes pee in the shower, and my girlfriend says that's only OK if I'm actually taking a shower.

   For some reason people drive by and laugh at you when you are sitting in the front of your boat using your laptop while the boat is in the driveway..It was to nice of a day not to be out in the boat. Just never made it to the lake. :)

   If your a Vegetarian to be nice to animals, why are you eating there food