Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tuesday is the Jan Brady of the days of the week.

   My girlfriend does this awesome trick with a cherry stem in her mouth. She doesn't talk for about 7 minutes.

   I'm saving myself for prison.

   Whenever I have sex I always pretend I'm having it with someone.

   I need a six month vacation Twice a year.

   My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively

   Thought I was passing a kidney stone, but it was just a jellybean.

   Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.

   To this day the clown in Poltergeist creeps me out

   Im too lazy too be fake. Being real takes alot less effort, I dont have to do anything besides be myself.

   Hardware Sign: You can always find something in here to take home and screw or bang..

   My first cup of coffee is enjoyed with silence, thank you for understanding.

   I'm updating my resume and I need your opinion. Which is a more marketable skill: Awesome high fives or mad rock paper scissors skills?

   who decided that paper beats rock? Next time I hear someone say that I want them to hold up a sheet of paper and let me throw a rock at them

   just seen two homeless people kissing so I screamed "Get a box!!"

   standing on his front lawn with his pants down waiting for Google Earth to come by and take his picture...

   not a stalker, I'm just bad with goodbyes.

   in support same sex marriages. Can you imagine how awesome Gay Divorce Court will be!!!!

   Ladies stop wearing them pajama pants and them dirty Uggs!!

   so....I've decided I'm going to write the first Gangsta Rap adaptation of Winnie-The-Pooh....I'm gonna call it 'Tigga Please'....