Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The irony that some of the ugliest people in the world come in the prettiest packaging

   Everthing will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, then it's not the end

   My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I'm at the gym or if I'm at Wal-Mart

   Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

   The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses....

   It's funny how I'm afraid of losing you when your not even mine

   Turning an ordinary salad into a 7000-calorie cholesterol bomb is my superpower.

   Sometimes I worry my posts are too cerebrle... cerabrall... cerrebrel...

   Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.

   It is by far the most beautiful lump of coal you have ever seen..

   Just when I thought there was hope for humanity, I walked into Walmart. We're all doomed.

   I don't care to be the rich guy who you want to marry and never have sex with…. I prefer to be the pool boy who you want to have dirty sex with but never marry.

   You had me at..."My family is very wealthy".

   Hardest thing ever? Controlling your laughter at serious times

   Currently using Google image search to determine whether or not I should swallow this pill I found on the floor behind my desk.

   Math tells us of the 3 saddest love stories: Of parallel lines, who were never meant to meet. Of tangent lines, who were together once then parted forever. And of asymptotes, who could only get closer and closer, but never could be together.

   Sundays always bring out my inner senior citizen....

   Toaster Settings: 1) I do nothing. 2) I do nothing. 3) I SET THE BREAD ON FIRE!

   I don't drink water, unless it's been through a brewery first.

   Women don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.