Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How can a slim chance and a fat chance mean the same thing

   MTV is 30 today!! Nina Blackwood, Mark Goodman, Alan Hunter, Martha Quinn and J.J. Jackson....you're hard work was for nothing guys "Reality Show Killed The Video Star"!!

   Some nights getting a 3-year-old to sleep feels a lot like trying to kill a Terminator

   FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.

   Sorry hun but I'm not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn I'm more of a casino were only the lucky ones hit the jackpot

   For a long time dogs were a mans best friend. Then porn took over.

   What I do, I do very well, and what I don't do well, I don't do at all.

   Dance like no one's going to put it on YouTube.

   Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist

   Have they invented a cure for morning people yet?

   I said "Just gimme the usual" to the waitress at a restaurant I've never been to. And now I wait...

   Hey gurl, are you a public school? Cuz I wanna shoot a bunch of little kids inside you.

   They're gearing us up for a race war. Don't play into it, Americans....

   wishes the Live Feed and News Feed would make up and get back together.

   BREAKING NEWS: Cheese factory explodes---nothing left but de Brie

   Sorry guys, no New Years party this year. Last year I got arrested for punching a guy in the face. When you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your instincts kick in.

   I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.

   Im dressing as an endangered species for Halloween...a US worker

   1st: Chris Brown hits her 2nd: Eminem lies to her and 3rd: Drake cant remember her name. What a life Rihanna has

   How are you gonna dress like a ho, talk like a ho, walk like a ho, act like a ho, and then get mad when you are approached like a ho, addressed like a ho and treated like a ho? Silly ho.