Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One day the mail man is going to murder my family and the dog is going to be like, "Haha... who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?"

   My Shark Week lights are still up from last year.

   Does anyone know where I can get more Lite Brite pegs?... I'm trying to finish my will.

   Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa's lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.

   Fun party hosting tip: Put dozens of extra coats on the bed. When guests ask where everyone else is, laugh maniacally & change the subject.

   You carry yourself like someone with a much higher credit rating.

   "But why?" - Me at weddings

   It's funny how "You're so funny" turns into "You think everything's a joke" in just 3 months...

   Just a reminder that no Canadian team has won the Stanley Cup since they force Nickleback on the world.

   Does the name “Quasimodo” ring a bell?

   Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

   If LaBron is really serious about winning he would sign with the Harlem Globetrotters

   I have a beard and tattoos why are you still wearing panties? Yes, I want fries. No, I don't want a receipt. Stop changing the subject.

   madder than a midget with a yoyo!

   If someone has something bad to say about you, it's probably because they have nothing good to say about themselves.

   The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.

   Women ask for advice on what to wear and then end up wearing the exact opposite.. that's why I think Snow Pants and Leather Jackets are sexy as hell on them."

   Strippers are like trees. Instead of absorbing Carbon Dioxide and emitting Oxygen, they absorb Desperation and emit Hope.

   It's My late night and I Forgot to bring my lunch and dinner to work with me. My "things I would do for a Klondike bar" list, is rapidly starting to grow!

   Those who complain the most accomplish the least.