Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Phoned up my neighbour this morning to tell him that his Pekingese made a big mess in my front yard. Also, that he owes me a new lawn mower blade.

   It's so cold out the hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks to blow on your hands.

   How many Oreos is too many?,,,,,,, Is it 25?,,,,,,,,,,, I feel like it should be more than 25

   If I die at walmart, PLEASE, drag my body to Cabella's

   Not sure which is worse: A dry hand job or turkey bacon...

   Won a time machine on eBay. Disappointed when I received a damn clock.

   Having female friends is a lot like having a pet tiger. Fun in theory, but you're always waiting for the day they turn on you.

   Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right

   Friends don't let friends get tagged in pictures which can cause breakups.

   When I'm using Facebook mobile I always tag myself in my bed with 2 randcom chicks on my friends list.

   I am not looking for a Princess, I am just waiting for a woman who thinks I am a prince.

   Nothing says "I'm a heartless,souless,low life,bottom feeding,inbred,motherf*cking scuz bag" like holding up a protest sign at a funeral.

   i woke up at 8:07 this morning, just so I can say that I consciously experienced the 7th minute of the 8th hour, on the 9th of the 10th, in the '11th year.

   If you show up at my house without calling first, you'd better be wearing a uniform and delivering the mail.

   Drama Queens/Kings, Hypocrites, two-faced, exaggerators and fake people can all be found on Facebook!!!

   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then they proceed to tell you why it isn't.

   looking forward to the Lunar Eclipse tonight. I considered having a viewing party and inviting all the witches I know. But then I realized having all my ex's in the same location is probably not a good idea.

   just got in an argument with my Mom regarding investment decisions...turns out even if you hold multiple degrees in finance ur still a kindergarten goin kid in ur Moms eyes...sigh..:(

   Please have the courtesy to let me go to hell in my own sweet fashion.

   As the 13th miner was about to surface, the sky news presenter described Carlos Barrios as being single, is also a taxi driver and likes horse racing. It's a f-king rescue operation not blind date!