Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-gf and me. After all, I'm a Gemini and she's a b*tch.

   Friends don't let friends wear mullets.

   just did a shot of wheatgrass* and now I'm off to the gym**! (*=bourbon, **=pub)

   busy cleaning the now-orange keyboard thanks to cheetos!

   It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the wine, or any other reason.”

   The difference between a sin and shame; It is a sin to put it in; It is a shame to pull it out!

   i find tinsel distracting

   My definition of a perfect storm is one that keeps the relatives from coming to visit

   I don't need a "Plan B" because my "Plan A" is awesome.

   I'm quite the match maker. Just matched up whiskey with some ginger ale.

   The worst part about waking up alone is not having someone to kick out of bed to make me coffee.

   My new life goal is to do something worthy of being on a commemorative plate while holding a commemorative plate.

   Sonny Corleone would still be alive today if he'd had a pike pass.

   Politicians are like prostitutes; they get paid to pretend they like people while they are screwing them.

   When I don't have a good status... you end up wasting your time reading sh*t like this.

   I have a feeling Thursday the 5th of July is not going to be a very produtive day at work.

   a girl ignoring you? Just ignore her ignoring you. Works every time.

   My wife just accused me of being big-headed and thinking I was better than I was. I nearly fell off my throne.

   At a Birthday Party, I dared one kid to suck all the helium out of all the balloons. Today this kid is known as Justin Bieber.

   My son just tried to claim that his room is not messy…that it is merely set up in obstacle-like manner to keep him fit.