Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.

   I could be nice... but I hear the operation is expensive.

   I can see you're upset. Maybe you should post more about it on Facebook. That should elimnate any more drama.

   Life is ironic. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes..

   As my car slowly filled with water, the last thing I would hear was the calm measured voice of my GPS, "Recalculating route."

   You don't have to be Crazy to be my friend!........But it sure helps!

   Nothing angers me more than a prematurely broken shell in my Taco Kit

   I want to cover you in expensive things...like gasoline.

   To my opponent in songpop that keeps selecting "Classic R&B"... no one likes you.

   I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.

   Facebook sure is quiet this morning....wonder why.

   It's really kind of sad we live in a country where we are the most entertained, yet the less informed.

   men insult their friends but don't really mean it. Women compliment their friends but don't really mean it...

   Anyone else ever get disappointed when they hear the Emergency Broadcasting System and it turns out it's just a test. For once, I want to hear them say "Locate the nearest axe and seek shelter, zombies are over running the streets"...

   Women who say that men only want to have is sex are the women who have nothing else to offer than that.

   Does anyone know if we can claim the farm credit on our taxes for playing games on Facebook?

   Whoever came up with the term "one tough cookie" had no idea about the structural integrity of baked goods.

   How you get sleepy after crying, It's like your mind is telling you, “you've suffered enough, it's time to shut down for a bit.”

   A woman's fanny is like a shed roof. If you don't nail it hard enough, it will end up next door.

   You can tell a lot about a new neighbor by how they react when they find you hiding under their bed.