Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had no idea my woman had 61 boyfriends before me, but she must have. I just wish she wouldn't refer to me as her sixty-second lover.

   "Lets eat Grandpa" - "Lets eat, Grandpa" - Moral of the story? Commas save lives......

   My phone auto-corrected "haha" to "hahahaha" -- um, yea it was funny, but let's keep our pants on.

   I can't believe that one of Michael Jackson's Doctors is on trial..........and it's not his plastic surgeon!

   A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I've been referring to the office as "ruthless".

   Don't judge you by you looks? Kinda hard when you have 50 tattoos, 30 pierceings, a stupid haircut, and a shirt that says you hate me.

   I swear girls these days. Some of them wake up with a higher sperm count than the men

   Bi&ches take pictures with bra and panties and post it for a million strangers to see. Then say they wifey material, no bi&ch you strip club material..

   Whenever I see a big guy beating up a little guy I ALWAYS jump in to help cause there is NO WAY the little guy can take us both.

   Imagine being a midget at Subway and not knowing what they're putting on your sandwich.

   Okay, women, so it's: Be nice, but not too nice; be sweet, but not a wuss; & take control, but don't control you? Got it! (I don't got it)

   Seriously guys, if you want a woman to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you guys need to learn to a save a tree and eat a beaver.

   My wife said to me, "Isn't it odd how on our keyboard the letters ORPN have been worn out?"

   Today's a great day to stalk someone you haven't seen since high school and say, "You wrote 'keep in touch' in my yearbook, well here I am!"

   Dear "cool people", they didn't name a candy after you, did they? Sincerely, nerds.

   I hate it when I take the time to peek in your window on a winter's night and you don't have the decency to look sexy. Its frickin' cold out here damn it!!

   on my way to Walmart to take the "try me" stickers off the noise making toys and stick them on condom boxes

   trying to flick a booger is quite possibly one of the most frustrating tasks ever.....think you flicked it? think again, it's now on the back of your pinky like magic.

   I'm hungrier than a Floridian Zombie!

   Bud Light with lime??? What's the primary target demographic for that? Rednecks with scurvy?