Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I date a woman, I think to myself, "Is this a woman that I want my children to spend every other weekend with?

   I hate it when a tickle fight gets out of hand and you end up having to bury a dead hooker in the woods.

   Starbuck really isn't that expensive, compared to what Victoria Secret charges per cup.

   TIME magazine names "The Protester" as PERSON OF THE YEAR. What a joke of a magazine! How about "The Soldier" without whom the protester would have his head cut off.

   wondering why Tom Brady's baby looks like Tiger Woods.

   So a Jew, a Christian and a Muslim walk into a bar. The bartender turns around and says, “What is this … a joke?”

   I'm going to be the first person to walk on the sun...I know what ur thinking an I've got it all figured out...I'm going at nite

   Rep. Todd Akin has decided to stay in the race. Is that really surprising - a guy who knows so little about the female body, doesn't know when to pull out?

   Happy 11 White History Months

   This Christmas, let's put misteltoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our ass!

   If I ever saw an amputee being hanged,,,,, I'm pretty sure I'd just start yelling out letters

   Seen a baby wearing a shirt saying; "Santa doesn't exist, but that's okay, because I can't read."

   Finally something positive about Charlie Sheen...

   When the lady at Walmart with 5 screaming children all under the age of 8 wants to know how the condoms got in her cart @ checkout ... I will just say Your Welcome!

   I like to think that every time firemen get a call they're like "Yaaay! We get to ride in the truck!" then they laugh & tickle each other

   Awesome idea: On Halloween, order a pizza to get delivered to your house When the delivery guy gets there, pretend you think he's a trick or treater and comment on how he looks like a real delivery person. Give him candy.

   Always watch your step on an escalator. I once tripped and fell down the stairs for an hour and a half

   You lose the right of being a man when you hit a woman

   Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I'm possessed by the devil is not funny.

   thinking that going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug.