Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.

   This is my salad fork. That's my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.

   So I know it was kind of wicked of me to make chocolate chip cookies when you are on a diet, but I licked them all when they came out of the oven so you wouldn't be tempted.

   disappointed that 25% of prostitutes use Facebook to solicit clients and not a single one has ever contacted him!

   The only way I'm going to pass this test is if I eat it first.

   It is impossible to defeat an ignorant person in an argument.

   Walking around with a clipboard and suit on..Makes me feel very important...Even tho I'm not doing anything besides just walking around.

   Tom Cruise has finally reached the 71st level of Scientology, Divorce

   The problem with natural selection is that it isn't killing stupid people off quickly enough.

   Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!

   Ugh stupid cold weather totally stole my idea to get a lot of attention today.

   If you think you have me figured out, that's hilarious because I don't even have myself figured out.

   I remember your face, and I even remember what we talked about, but what the hell was your name again?!

   I wouldn't consider myself Single, more like I'm in a relationship with Freedom!

   .it's almost time for my OBGYN appointment and I haven't even bought a doctor's coat or faked my credentials yet.

   There's a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.

   The bearded lady, the guy with all the body piercings, the dude with 14 toes, the geek biting the chickens head off... Yep, I'm in WalMart.

   Parallel lines have got so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

   Want to clear out a room quickly? Start playing muskrat love loudly. You are welcome.

   discovered pretending I'm sleeping to avoid something never gets old!