Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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The new name should be "The Team Formerly Known as The Redskins" 
I just dumped a pack of M&M’s into my mask and am slowly eating them like a horse
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year? I mean I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for the last seven months. I don’t think I need a day dedicated to it anymore.
Since drinking hasn’t killed me yet, I can only assume it’s making me stronger...
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the beer is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Just bought a thesaurus at Goodwill, I got home to discover all the pages are blank, I have no words to describe how angry I am...
The media that got everything wrong will now tell you what will happen now that what they said wouldn't happen happened. Think about that for a minute...
It seems Michael Moore attained, at least partially, one of the two things he desperately needs, which is humility. We can only hope the other will soon be forthcoming....a bath.
*rides off into the sunset...... *rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock....... *rides off into the sunset......
I think this Christmas Eve it would really be nice if we all went over to MySpace to wish Tom a Merry Christmas ....... poor guy.
The people who insist you say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" are just trying to Police Navidad.
This is how my week goes: moooooooooooonday.. tuuuuuuuuuuuesday... weeeeeeeeeednesday... thuuuuuuuuuursday.. fridaysaturdaysunday....
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
March 4th, the only day of the year that actually tells you to go do something.
So, when does Jill Stein announce her Kickstarter campaign to fund Meals on Wheels? 