Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was thinking about going to Walmart for Black Friday but I couldn't find my pajamas.

   My grandpa was so competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last, he said, "Staring contest......GO".

   I called the cops on my own Super Bowl party so everyone would leave.

   If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be World Peace for about two hours. Immediately followed by a global food shortage.

   Disneyland prices are now well over $100 a person, maybe now they'll buy Donald Duck some pants.

   My wife stepped out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the damned drain is clogged again."

   Being stuck in the'' friend zone'' is like a potential employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he eventually hired

   Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.

   Dog farts smell worse than human farts because they've been in there seven times longer.

   This is what happens when you let the generation that invented words like BAE, YOLO and FLEEK vote.

   Has anyone tried the new Trump APP its like Pokemon but instead your looking for Mexican's..

   Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills? Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....

   There should be a fourth option when voting for a president. It should be NONE OF THE ABOVE. If "NONE OF THE ABOVE" wins majority vote, all candidates should be disqualified and we have a do-over

   No matter what you think about Hillary's condition, I think we can all agree that pneumonia shouldn't start with a 'p'.

   A new poll says 74 percent of Americans will hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. While the other 26 percent plan to spend three hours hiding in the living room with the lights out.

   Gee-Whiz ... I have heard worse words coming out the mouths of Rappers that party at the Whitehouse.

   DonaldTrump is doing one mean Alec Baldwin impression tonight.

   Just bought a thesaurus at Goodwill, I got home to discover all the pages are blank, I have no words to describe how angry I am...

   The media that got everything wrong will now tell you what will happen now that what they said wouldn't happen happened. Think about that for a minute...

   It seems Michael Moore attained, at least partially, one of the two things he desperately needs, which is humility. We can only hope the other will soon be forthcoming....a bath.