Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just texted my boss "I think my computer's broke Boss replied: "Just give it to the IT guy" Me: "okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck Clown.

   Your 6 yo has a $800 phone? Cool. When I was 6 I was begging my mom to buy me the click-pen that had 4 colors.

   I cook, clean, and run errands because I know I can't compete with a vibrator.

   I ask my wife why she never blinks her eyes during sex. She said I never had the time.

   If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears. I mean, hey, you never know....

   eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it

   From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

   The new name should be "The Team Formerly Known as The Redskins"

   I just dumped a pack of M&M’s into my mask and am slowly eating them like a horse

   You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

   Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year? I mean I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for the last seven months. I don’t think I need a day dedicated to it anymore.

   Since drinking hasn’t killed me yet, I can only assume it’s making me stronger...

   A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the beer is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

   An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

   There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them.

   Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

   At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

   Canadian bacon is just ham that's apologizing for not being bacon.

   Having some states locked down and others not, is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

   Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car. I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.